


Serenade for those who are sick

by lovestillaround



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 20:32:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14340369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: Beauty I've always missed, with these eyes beforeJust what the truth is, I can't say anymoreCos I love you, yes I love you, oh how I love you





	Serenade for those who are sick

  
“Need you.”

Phil moves closer.

“I’m here.”

His voice is a whisper and his arms are warm. That’s good because Dan feels cold, so incredibly cold. As if he were lying in the snow in Siberia, icicles seem to form on his skin and he turns into a frosty hedgehog. People can’t touch him now because the spikes would make their skin break and those wounds would bleed. Dan doesn’t want people to hurt, even if sometimes he acts like it doesn’t matter to him and like he doesn’t care. He regrets it afterwards, really, maybe it doesn’t always seem like this but making others feel bad is the last thing he wants. But he can’t control this cold. He can’t help being so cold that people turn away from him.

Sometimes it gets even worse. His lips freeze and he can’t say anything. His eyes get covered with a layer of hoarfrost and he needs to keep them shut. His limbs are frostbitten and he can’t move. He only doesn’t know if he’s bleeding or if his blood is frozen as well.

It hurts, it hurts to be this cold. It isn’t even mostly a physical experience. The pain comes rather from the knowledge that everything used to be different, sometime, ages ago. Dan used to feel alive and he misses this feeling.

He imagines what his life could look like if he only had enough energy to do anything. Then he remembers something that he’d once learned in his science classes, a sentence that somehow got stuck in his head – heat equals energy. Or at least he’s almost sure that it went somewhat like that. Heat equals energy. And he is so cold.

Dan is scared that one day he’ll wake up and he won’t be able to unfreeze. That he’ll turn into an ice sculpture and that he’ll stay like this forever.

Sometimes he thinks that Phil is the only person who can make the ice melt, just a little bit.

 

 

On the next day Dan writes. He takes a sheet of paper and a pen and scribbles some words and sentences. The outer side of his left hand is covered in blue ink after a while. He writes things that don’t really have sense.

_hate, hate, hate_

He starts with that because hate is something that’s quite often on his mind. _Everybody hates me. I hate everything._ So easy, right?

_i love phil, amazingphil, phil lester, philip michael lester, phil, phil, phil_

He doesn’t know why he uses so many commas. This is easy, Phil – is easy. Jumping between love and hatred is easy too, of course when he is capable of feeling. He doesn’t want it to be like this, he would like to be just stable but apparently he can’t get that.

It would be so good if there was only Phil, nothing else. Meanwhile, Dan gets absorbed by so many other things, things that crawl into his head and just don’t leave. He doesn’t want them there, he wants to have some peace. He wants to have just Phil. Because as much as Dan would like to believe that their love is invincible, that’s not exactly how it works. They are losing sometimes. They are incompatible sometimes. They are struggling. And love can’t heal him - it can help, it can make him feel warmer, sometimes. But it will never be enough.

It is quite ironic that Dan has found the love of his life but there are days when he can’t feel it because he’s incapable of feeling anything. He’s aware, he knows that he loves Phil - he just can’t feel it.

_trash_

In his case, it can be seen positive or negative, it’s vague. Everything that’s vague is good for Dan, especially when he starts thinking too much, like now. He needs to find something neutral, something elastic, something with the ability to stretch just to match his current mood.

_somebody once told me_

He smiles to himself. Good, that’s good. The safety that comes from familiar and neutral things always feels like a blessing. He still can find such things, things that don’t make him sad, that don’t make him think about the world and the universe and about the pointlessness of everything. It’s not that everything is pointless. That’s just his tricky mind telling him so. That’s his non-functioning brain, that’s the lack of chemicals in his body. It’s not him. He just needs to keep reminding himself of that over and over – that it’s not him - and maybe one day everything will be good.

_i need something, i need fucking something_

Dan isn’t patient. He wants to do something because waiting feels like a failure. Sometimes it even seems like a waste of time. There is nothing better that he could do anyway but it’s still hard to accept this feeling of helplessness.

_i’m sick_

This one hurts. And it doesn’t even seem real, it seems like a word made up for something that doesn’t exist. It’s like an invisible spider web that he got trapped in. No one can see it, except for him.

_floating in space in a vacuum, which means without air and without lungs, feeling the universe expand and maybe i’ll fly into a fucking star and die, that would be good_

He sighs and puts the pen on the desk, just for a bit. A break, a small break to breathe.

_please_

“Are you writing a script for your new video?

Phil’s voice almost makes him jump. He doesn't answer at first, feeling as if everything were in slow motion.

“No, not really.”

He lays his forearms on the desk, suddenly scared for some reason that Phil would read the things he has written.

“I need to be alone for some time.”

Phil only says okay and goes out.

 

 

Dan radiates cold on his bad days and he doesn’t like it. Phil radiates warm. People on the internet call him a ray of sunshine and Dan would like to tell them that they are right about it. He doesn’t, of course.

Also, Phil isn’t always in a good mood. Phil isn’t always happy but he is always there and he is warm. His eyes are warm even when he’s angry at Dan and his body is warm even when Dan’s feels numb.

But there are also moments when it gets too much. There are days when Phil’s breath is like a heatwave and his skin feels like hot sand in a desert. Then Dan doesn’t feel like the ice is melting, he thinks that his body starts evaporating. In those moments he fears that he’s going to turn into steam or maybe cook alive and he craves space, being alone. He needs to look at his own hands and not at Phil’s. He needs to feel his own body. He needs to make sure that his every finger is in the right place, that his toes are still there, that he exists in a human, physical form.

It’s weird and sometimes scary because it doesn’t bring any comfort to know that he’s still there. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with his body anyway. It seems to be useless, seems to betray him constantly. His brain is especially nasty. What is he supposed to do with that?

“I made you some snacks.”

This time Phil comes back carrying a plate full of food. There are strawberries, a chocolate bar and sliced baguette with some cheese and a smiley face made of ketchup.

Dan laughs, or at least he tries to. Phil only smiles.

“You don’t need to eat if you don’t want to.”

“I feel so bad.”

The smile disappears from Phil’s face.

Dan doesn’t know why he says that. Maybe he hopes that admitting it would make this terrible feeling disappear or at least ease up but nothing really happens.

Phil doesn’t say anything, he just comes closer. He holds out his arms and lowers his upper body to embrace Dan.

Dan is almost scared for a moment, he waits in anticipation until Phil touches him because he needs to make sure that he won’t start to burn. Then it comes and Dan can feel it immediately, it spreads through his arms and chest and finally envelopes his whole body. He holds his breath for a while and then lets it out, feeling released.

Today Phil is just warm.

**Author's Note:**

> summary: _Nights in White Satin_ \- the Moody Blues
> 
> [lovestillaround](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/)


End file.
